Jesus said it is no use looking for the Kingdom of God outside, in the outer world, because it is inside man. Following these words, the Seeker tries to go inside himself, into the core of his being, but he faces challenges.
Getting aware of your body is not a simple thing; awareness of your emotions is harder, and it is very difficult to be aware of movements of the mind. I have met lots of people unable to understand which emotion they felt at a certain moment. The well-established habit of suppressing and ignoring your emotions results in the people not knowing themselves: when they are furious, they keep assuring the people around that they feel love. Or they claim to feel nothing but peace and indifference while clenching their teeth.
The habit of denying your feelings for the sake of an ideal image of yourself is very common. Denial of your internal reality is expressed as no desire to see your own negative emotions and, as a result, a sort of blindness with regard to them. Here the Seeker faces the inability to be aware of and witness anything related to his emotions.
In order to get out of the approaching dead-end, you must understand that you are the only one forbidding yourself to get aware of your negative emotions. When you were a child, you accepted that ban as a guide for action under your parents’ and teachers’ pressure. Since then, it has been a part of your self-control system maintaining the illusion that your ego is a master of your internal situation. This is not true, so your condition turns into chaos from time to time when you lose control.
The ban is unnatural, but you have created it yourself, so you are the one to lift it. It is the ban on expression of emotions and their continuous control which have resulted in the chaos inside. On the contrary, if you get aware of your emotions, you can resolve the existing issues without creation of the new ones.
The ban alongside with the control has turned into a part of your conditionalism, of your being. You need efforts to change the state of matters. You will have to accept yourself as you are and let yourself be what you are, without comparison with the perfect behavior, with the rules carved in your mind. It does not happen in an instance, and I have already written about it. The main thing is to let your emotions show themselves and stop being afraid of such manifestations.
In fact, your emotional energy looks forward to showing itself. If you are ready to accept manifestations of your emotions, they will not be slow in coming. The other thing is that it will only be a tip of the iceberg as too many of them have been suppressed all these years. Nevertheless, it gives food for observation and allows starting work with the suppressed emotions that color the psychoemotional background all the time. The fury you have seen must be expressed with special techniques; you can also spot its cause and the desire it is based on. A fear can be observed by letting its hidden sources and disguised manifestations get into the light of consciousness.
Patient observation allows learning how to see the most delicate movements of any emotion. However, you should start with rough and perceivable emotional conditions. Man often fails to notice and see his main most recurrent emotion. A troubled man cannot see his anxiety, and the scared one cannot see his fear. When they start witnessing in such condition, they see anything but the key problem. Here is the trick of coupling: the stronger man couples with something, the harder it is to see and get aware of that.
In such cases, an outer witness can be of help, to tell the person what his emotional issue is. As they say, standers-by see more than gamesters. The best witness is the Master, but, judging by my experience, few Seekers can find him. A mirror function can be discharged by any person practicing awareness. The main requirement to be met is to easily distinguish what he sees from the projections of his own mind. That is why witnessing by those who do not observe themselves can be false because it often shows its projections rather than what really is inside.
An outer witness may be of great help for the Seeker. He shows the direction to look in, and if the Seeker has proper trust and determination, he starts getting aware of what he has been said, but could not see. Then comes the ability to change the situation.