An excerpt from the book by Ruslan Zhukovets “On the obvious and unobvious”
The feeling of resentment is directly tied to the inability to express anger, that is, when expression of anger is prohibited. Perhaps someone close to you acts is a way that makes you feel angry but your manners won’t let you express it. This prohibition is a part of your mind’s conditioning which dictates that any manifestations of the energy of anger within you are to be blocked and suppressed. The tougher the ban on expressing emotions the stronger is the fear of the energy of anger should it come to manifest in you or splashed on you. As a means of self-comforting compensation, you label those who express their anger freely as inferior, uncivilized and rude. However, it makes no difference in a sense that you still have to deal somehow with those of them whom you would like to point out that their behavior is inappropriate at the moments when they drive you crazy – yet you fail to do that. You are in need of the tool for delivering your feedback, so that the guilty party could recognize that you have had it up to here. Resentment becomes a tool of the type.
Resentment is an indirect manifestation of anger but anger is not the only component. Also present are attention seeking and a desire to have the one who wronged you change their attitude. It would be so nice if this person fathoms how deeply wrong he is. If he says how deeply sorry he is and repents of what he has done. Meanwhile, the hurt person feels discomfort caused by unexpressed anger and inability to vent it out. As a result, his behavior grows ostensible and sharp, as this is the exact way to discharge the energy that seeks to be released. Resentment can be harbored for years and a person gets free of it only when he expresses it to the offender. As I mentioned earlier, resentment can be experiences only toward people relatively close to you as they will definitely be hurt by a change in your attitude. A stranger doesn’t give a damn whether you hold grudgers on him or not, that’s why people take no offence at strangers, rather present them with their anger in the form of dudgeon.
At the core of resentment lies fear of expressing anger and the idea prohibiting this expression. In order to eliminate resentment, one ought to overcome the fear and prohibition and learn how to express one’s anger adequately in any situation. Practices of expressing emotions, including anger, come in handy here. Besides, prohibition to express anger that was taught during upbringing and fear associated with it, have to be subjected to awareness. Fear of anger may be a consequence of psychological trauma, in case parents routinely yelled and punished you as a child. If so, this fear needs to be addressed systematically until it is gone for good.
It is not uncommon for resentment to grow into behavioral pattern, turning the life of a person and those of his relatives into pure suffering. Nonetheless, it is possible to get rid of the habit of holding on to resentment by practicing proper expression of the energy of anger. Ego will be left with less food to stuff oneself with, but no worries, it will find other source of nourishment. You will be able to stand up for yourself and maybe even engage in conflicts but feel comfortable about it instead of turning into a polite yet unhappy victim abused by everyone.